Past Imperfect
by rroselavy
Summary: Sanzo's obsession leads to disastrous results, but luckily, Goku is resilient.


Title: Past Imperfect

Author: Rroselavy

Rating: R

Summary: Sanzo's obsession leads to disastrous results, but luckily, Goku is resilient.

Author's Note: With many thanks to my fabulous beta and friend, akuchan.

*****

"I need you to come with me." Sanzo barely waited until the door had swung open before he made his demand.

"What is it, Sanzo?" Hakkai stood at the door, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Just come."

"Is it Goku?"

"I _said_--"

"Yes, yes-Of course I'll go with you. It's the middle of the night, though. Come in while I put on some clothes."

Sanzo gave Hakkai a cursory once-over, noting his bare torso, loose sleep-pants and tousled hair, then turned away. "I'll wait here."

A few minutes later Hakkai appeared at the doorway, with Gojyo in tow.

"I said _you_, not tweedle-dum, too," Sanzo grated. He flicked the cigarette he'd been smoking into the abyss of the moonless night; its cherry end tumbled in a graceful arc before disappearing among the blades of dew-wet grass.

"Sanzo, you woke us both up out of a sound sleep--" Hakkai protested lightly.

"Yeah, Sanzo-_sama_, what's got your panties in a bunch? The monkey stop putting out?" Gojyo peered over Hakkai's shoulder.

"Forget it." Sanzo gritted. He turned and stalked away, past the neat cottage garden that Goku had helped Hakkai plant. iGoku/i. He was the reason he'd sought out Hakkai. He stopped, his hands balled into fists, but didn't turn around.

"It's Goku," he said between clenched teeth. A couple of seconds ticked by in pregnant silence before Hakkai spoke.

"Hakuryuu will take us back to Chang'an faster."

When they arrived at the monastery, Sanzo hurried them to his private quarters. At that time of night the temple was deserted and there was no reason to be secretive; his haste put both Hakkai and Gojyo on edge. That, and his refusal to answer any questions during the ride didn't help either.

They filled the small sitting room of his apartment and Sanzo hesitated at the closed door to his bedroom. He fished out a key from within the folds of his robes then slipped it into the lock.

"You need to know ..." he explained carefully as he turned the knob in tandem with the key, "this was all consensual."

Sanzo knew it shouldn't have bothered him. Goku was devoted to him in every sense of the word. He was more than adventurous in bed and unrelentingly uncomplaining of Sanzo's voracious appetite for screwing him anywhere, anytime. He was completely unself-conscious and completely giving. He didn't mind when Sanzo ordered him around, not even in the bedroom -- _especially_ not in the bedroom -- or even when Sanzo bent him over his knee and spanked him. There wasn't a position in the entire _Kama Sutra_ Goku wasn't willing to try. And he never asked to top. But he had one hard rule. He wouldn't allow Sanzo to tie him up. Sanzo knew that he should have been able to let that go. To see beyond it, to be grateful for what he idid/i have with Goku, a love as deep as he'd ever experienced with his master, Koumyou Sanzo. Different of course, their relationship had been a familial one, but with the same level of attachment and affection. Goku was his second chance.

Sanzo knew Goku had issues with imprisonment of any kind; who wouldn't after being locked away, shackled to a wall for half a millennia? But the fact of the matter was, that it wasn't in Sanzo's nature to let go of the unattainable, it only served to make him more intractable. He wasn't like Koumyou, content to just let things be, to live the life that was given to him. Goku's denial nagged at him. It pricked at him, needled him, and gnawed at the edges of his mind. Every time they fucked, he would imagine Goku helpless beneath him as he drove into his unresisting body. It became a craving, a scab that wouldn't heal; it invaded his waking consciousness when he was supposed to be handling temple business. And at night, in his dreams, over and over, he experienced the thrill of what Goku withheld from him.

Goku, though, was perceptive. He could sense something was bothering Sanzo and he picked at the wound, opening it again and again, whenever he knit his brow, perplexed by Sanzo's mood swings, or hazarded a pointed question. Sanzo didn't want to italk/i about it. His obsession made him feel guilty. It made him feel like stomping his feet in a childish tantrum, it made him want to issue forth the ultimate dare: iif you loved me, you would let me./i It didn't matter that he knew he was being hypocritical; that he had a closet full of hard "no's." And maybe even a spare armoire full of them as well.

Gradually, even though nothing more was said, Goku wore down. Recently he'd begun to let Sanzo blindfold him and would lie still while Sanzo had his way with him. To his credit, Goku could render himself immobile -- _pretend_ to be tied up -- but it wasn't the same. Sanzo needed the visuals, wanted to see Goku's wrists crisscrossed over his head, bound to the headboard of their bed. Tonight Goku _had_ given in. He'd come on to Sanzo in his usual way - draping himself all over him and being a general pain in the ass, distracting Sanzo from his work by tonguing his ear -- that is, until he whispered hotly that he wanted Sanzo to 'tie me up and do me,' while producing a long length of silken cord. Sanzo hadn't needed to be instructed twice. Tonight Sanzo was more than remorseful, he was fucking terrified that Goku -- _his_ Goku -- was lost to him.

He opened the door; an ominous dead silence followed him in. Then Gojyo let out a low whistle.

"Kinn-ky ..." he marveled.

"I _will_ kill you if you ever mention this," Sanzo threatened.

"Yeah, yeah, Your Assholiness," Gojyo rejoined. Goku stirred from where he was bound, spread-eagle, blindfolded, and naked on Sanzo's double bed. "So what seems to be the prob-"

"Konzen?"

"lem ..."

Two pairs of eyes -- a set of crimson and a set of green -- immediately pinned to Sanzo.

"Konzen?" Hakkai and Gojyo echoed in unison.

"Isn't that what that guy Hom--" Gojyo started, falling silent when Sanzo brought his index finger across his neck in a cutting motion.

"K-Kenren? Tenpou? ... Konzen! What's going on? Why can't I move? Why can't I see?"

They all froze for a few seconds, then Hakkai prodded Sanzo. "Say something," he whispered urgently.

"_You_ say something," he whispered back, equally as urgent.

"Ah hahahah! Goku, don't be scared!" Hakkai called out reassuringly. "I think it's a spell, but I'm sure it will wear off."

"What kind of spell?" Goku struggled against the bonds.

Sanzo shot Hakkai a dirty look. He shrugged helplessly in reply.

"Look, Monkey," Gojyo offered, "it's just a game."

"Like Pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey?"

"Yeah, something like that," Gojyo stifled a giggle.

"Then, why can't I move? Konn-zen!" Gojyo nudged Sanzo in Goku's direction, smiling at the death glare that beamed at him.

"G-goku," Sanzo began tentatively. "Ha-T-Tenpou and I are going to step out side for a minute-"

"Dontleavemealoneagain!" he howled. Sanzo glanced around frantically between Hakkai and Gojyo, clearly out of his league. Gojyo passed a look between them, then turned to address Goku.

"I'll stay with you, Monkey," he said assuringly. He dragged a chair over to the side of the bed.

"Thanks, Ken-_nii-chan_!" Goku said brightly, his trembling lower lip belying his brave front.

Sanzo scowled in the direction of the bed. Grabbing Hakkai at the elbow, he guided him back into the parlor area.

As soon as the door closed behind them, Hakkai spoke. "Konzen is the name Homura-san called you by."

"I know."

"Do you think--"

"What I _think_ is I want you to fix him," Sanzo spat.

Hakkai threaded his fingers through his hair, pushing it out of his eyes. "I don't know if I can." At Sanzo's sharp exhale of breath, he added quickly, "Why don't we start at the beginning -- you said it was consensual."

"Yes. Well, maybe he felt pressured into it. How the hell should I know what goes on in his monkey brain?"

"It was something you'd discussed?"

"Do you think I could have done _that_ without Goku's cooperation?" A blush crept over Sanzo's cheeks.

"I know there isn't a thing Goku wouldn't do for you, Sanzo. But it's obvious he's been distressed. It's not something I can 'fix'."

"What are you telling me, Hakkai?" All color drained from Sanzo's face; his fingers trembled as they fumbled for a cigarette and his lighter. "This is it?"  
Hakkai waited for Sanzo to light up before he spoke again.

"I don't think so, it may be temporary." Sanzo arched a brow and blew out a thin plume of blue smoke. "He's apparently dissociated from reality, regressed, even, but given a little time, he should snap out of it."

"Just like that?" Sanzo sounded skeptical.

"Well, what were you doing when it happened?"

"Isn't that obvious?"

Hakkai tried another tack. "Did Goku seem unusually nervous? He sounded very frightened just a moment ago, you shouldn't have left him like that," he admonished lightly.

"I should have wakened a novice to baby-sit him?" Sanzo punctuated his non-question with a bitter laugh.

"Maybe it would have been better had you not panicked."

"I did _not_ ..." Sanzo left his rebuttal unfinished. Of course, he'd panicked. He rubbed his temple with this free hand. "So all he needs is time?"

"The least the bastard could have done is covered you up," Gojyo muttered under his breath, reaching for the coverlet. As he did so, the back of his hand brushed against Goku's outstretched leg. Something about the way Goku recoiled reminded Gojyo of another small, frightened boy. He'd had a big brother to depend on, though. Jien had watched over him. Goku didn't need to be protected from Sanzo, but he was scared, nonetheless.

"I'm gonna let you up, squirt. Promise me you aren't gonna take off?"

"Where would I go?" Goku sounded small and plaintive. "I belong with Konzen. He takes care of me." An edge crept into his voice.

"Yeah, well I have my doubts," Gojyo grumbled. He untied Goku's legs first, carefully avoiding looking over his nude body. It wasn't like he'd never seen Goku naked before, but it was strange to see him in this context. The wrists were next, and then the blindfold. While Goku blinked against the bright light, Gojyo hastily searched for some bedclothes.

Rummaging through a bureau drawer, he found a set of black silk pajamas and tossed them into Goku's lap.

"Put those on," he ordered.

The command was met with peals of laughter. Gojyo wheeled to see what was so funny, finally determining that Goku was laughing at him. The sound of belly laughs filled the room.

"Ken-nii-chan!" Goku managed between laughs, "What did you do to your hair?" The giggling continued as he wriggled into the pajamas. "These aren't mine," he pouted when they covered him. Gojyo was just about to answer when the door burst open. "What the hell is going on?" Sanzo growled, Hakkai close on his heels.

"Konzen?" Goku's face screwed up, and then his eyes darted around the room at the three men. His eyes grew large as saucers.

Whatever Sanzo was going to add to his question died on his lips. Goku looked positively waiflike in the pajamas that he'd bought for Sanzo; for a few precious seconds Sanzo looked momentarily baffled as he processed the situation.

"Goku."

"W-who are you?" Goku cowered pathetically on the bed, a look of abject fear etched on his face. "Where's Konzen?" he demanded in his next breath.

"Goku." Sanzo repeated. "Look at me." He approached the bed slowly; Goku was no longer cowering. "Konzen trusted you in my care." Sanzo wished he'd listened to the stupid War God, had made Homura explain what had happened in heaven that had caused Goku to be sealed on Mount Gogyo. He glared warnings at Gojyo and Hakkai before sitting down on the far end of the bed from Goku.

"Konzen's gone." Goku's voice was flat. He brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. The sleeves of Sanzo's pajamas-top covered his hands.

Gojyo reached over and ruffled Goku's hair. "Yeah, but Sanzo-sama's bark is worse than his bite, he takes good care of you." The frank statement surprised Sanzo.

"Goku, can I make you some tea with honey," Hakkai offered. Turning to Sanzo, he added, "I'm sure I can find some passion flower tea in the kitchen cupboards, or at least chamomile." Either would make a nice, relaxing brew.

"No. I mean No _thank_ you," he added, remembering Konzen would want him to be polite. Goku raised his head, his eyes were still large but clear. "I can stay with you, right, S-Sanzo?"

Sanzo shifted closer to Goku. He reached for one wrist and Goku held it out. Sanzo rolled the cuff back, exposing his hand. Goku held out his other for Sanzo to fix. "You look like the sun, too," Goku stated simply. "Funny you should say that, I know a certain monkey--" Gojyo remarked.

"Do you _want_ to die?" Sanzo snarled. Turning to Goku, he addressed the question that had been hanging in the air. "Of course you can stay with me. You iare/i staying with me. I'm just going to see Hakkai and Gojyo to the door. Then we're going to get some sleep."

"It's late, Sanzo, Gojyo and I can stay here until morning, if you want," Hakkai said as Sanzo ushered them both toward the door.

"If you can't help, there's no reason for you to stay." Sanzo wasn't angry, he just didn't see the point of surrounding Goku with three strangers who looked like people he knew, but weren't.

"We'll come by in the morning, then." Hakkai didn't leave room for rejection. Sanzo merely grunted noncommittally before closing the door behind him. He turned back to the bed; Goku was nestling beneath the covers. Sanzo grabbed a throw from the end.

"You ain't staying?"

Sanzo stopped cold. "If you want me to, Goku, I will."

"I do!" Goku slid over to one side of the bed; Sanzo hesitated uncertainly for a few seconds before he took up his place beside Goku. He reached over to the lamp on the bedside table and turned off the light.

Sanzo hadn't been sure Goku would let him near; he needn't have worried. As soon as he'd settled under the covers, Goku curled against him. It was reassuring. Even if this Goku wasn't his, on some level it seemed he recognized that they belonged together.

"Sanzo, I'm hunnnnngry!"

"What do you want me to do about it, monkey," Sanzo grumbled sleepily. "Do I look like food?" He turned his back to Goku, adjusting the pillow under his head. He'd just gotten comfortable when his eyes shot open and he sat bolt upright.

"Goku?" he asked, disbelief evident.

"Ya expecting someone else?" Goku laughed as Sanzo continued to stare, gape-mouthed. "An', as a matter of fact, I could think of some parts of you that are worth eatin'."  
Sanzo blushed before shoving Goku out of the bed.

"What was that for?" Goku cried out indignantly.

"That was for sc-"

"Hey! I had the weirdest dreams last night!" Goku climbed back into bed and snuggled against Sanzo. "I'm sorry I conked out like that ... an' after everything I planned."  
Sanzo tried to catch up with Goku's shifting stream of conscious thought.

"Planned?" he asked weakly.

"Yeah, ya wanted ta try some bondage? I'm finally okay with it."

Apparently Goku had no recollection of the previous night. Sanzo wasn't going to try and help him remember.

"Hn. What makes you think I'm not happy with the way things are?" he asked. He looped an arm behind Goku's neck and pulled him closer.

"You are?"

"Hm, I'm not sure. Let me see," Sanzo murmured. He dipped his head and pressed their lips together. Goku responded ardently. Without breaking the kiss, he managed to settle into Sanzo's lap. When they finally separated for air, Sanzo continued. "Just as I thought," he nodded. "Perfectly fine with the way things are." He rolled his hips underneath Goku, eliciting soft moans from both of them. Goku's eyes blazed with lust as he closed the distance between their faces, his mouth descending on Sanzo's kiss-swollen lips. His stomach rumbled complaint, but for the moment he forgot his hunger, intent as he was on sating another kind.


End file.
